Handling Upset People

A Summary of Principles for Frequent Review

by Nan Porter, former Group Coordinator, WSU Counseling Center

Eight steps for maintaining self-esteem when dealing with upset and angry people:

1. Communicate confidence and composure by -

• facing the person who is ventilating his/her anger hostility
• keeping a neutral facial expression and normal tone of voice
• holding direct eye contact
• maintaining straight posture

2. Diffuse anger by asking for information -
It is hard to sustain intense anger when giving information

3. Send "I Messages" by making statements like -

• "I know this is very upsetting and I'm really sorry about it."
• "Do I understand that someone gave you incorrect information?"
• "I'll do everything I can to help you."

4. De-personalize the situation by reminding yourself of the following:

• Most anger is directed at "The System" rather than me personally
• As a representative of the system I can perform a "facilitative" function
• When I am the facilitator, I can handle it!

5. Aim for a mutually agreed upon definition of the problem (when it is complex)
Define the problem jointly and restate it to verify your understanding

6. Describe several approaches to correcting the situation if possible

7. If all the alternatives are unacceptable, say "I'm very sorry, that's all I'm authorized to do" and offer to refer person to next level supervisor. (Resist the temptation to use this indiscriminately).

8. And, finally, praise yourself for employing such excellent professional complaint-handling skill!